I'm a Gameworld Builder who resiliently explores the edges of culture, parenting, relationships, and personal development. Receive my news, updates and events directly in your inbox.
Finding Yourself
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It’s May 20th. Today is my birthday, and I want to celebrate it this morning by writing in this space. For me, this writing space is about being at my edge. It’s also about sharing what I’ve been discovering and making invitations to be, play and work together. This week, I’ve been discovering how much of my orientation is about controlling what others think of me. The sensation is that I walk around not looking through my own eyes, but through the eyes of others looking back at me. It’s fucking exhausting. Every move, every word, every thought It’s measured and filtered mechanically through: What will they think of me? Is this appropriate for them? Will they approve of me? Beneath the surface, there’s a neurotic thing running that is filtering out and packaging my experience. Everyone is different. I get it. I’ve been more radically letting go of my own expectations of life. The expectations that I should be happy. Or that life is here to please my expectations of it. Or that if I’m not comfortable, something is wrong. Life is uncomfortable. Life is painful. Life is unfair. There’s a way in which I’m still hiding from life. Hiding from being seen, from being out in the world, full out. I’m discovering how my shame is connected to hiding. Shame about my sexuality, desires and aliveness. I feel scared of being seen as a sexual being. I’ve been tracking my sexual energy for years. Around this time of the year, spring/summer time, my sexual energy goes crazy. I want to mate with nearly everyone. I’m driven by a mad attraction to the beauty and features of women. Their round curves. Their wild eyes. Their aliveness in the midst of chaos and hormones. Their sensitivity to everything that’s going on. Their legs and behinds. The different shapes of their breasts. So much of my love and appreciation is deeply repressed under layers of conditioning. My edge now is being with this repression. In my wildest fantasy… I’m a Lover of Women. I use my Love, Attention and Appreciation in service to her unfolding and blossoming. I’m moved with and by Love. My Love transforms them to their core because they are finally seen, heard and felt by a real Man. I have so many questions about sexuality. And I think my children are also starting to have some of these questions too. Having a daughter gives me a new reality check about how I’m relating with women. “What if this woman was my daughter?” “Would I approve of how this man (me) is relating with her?” “Is he (me) feeding her or taking from her?” I’m glad to be with a partner who wants me, loves me and fights for my being to unfold more and more. I’m glad to be in teams with other edgeworkers who bring new possibilities, perspectives, feedback and coaching for my being to unfold. Love, P.S.: Have questions or want to work with me? Reply to this email to start exploring. |
Jorge Pedret
I'm a Gameworld Builder who resiliently explores the edges of culture, parenting, relationships, and personal development. Receive my news, updates and events directly in your inbox.
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